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“Mommy, look at that pregnant lady.” I turned my head to the right to see a little girl and her mother walk- ing near. The little girl was pointing at my huge belly and her mother was staring in awe. “Let’s leave her alone,” the mother said and hurried on. I wondered why the woman was acting so odd. It was as if she had never seen a pregnant woman before. That’s when I felt my suit shift. I gasped, feeling again that strange sensation within me. I was continu- ing to swell up. “No! No! No!” I cried as my suit tightened and my hands rested on my ballooning belly. I grew bigger and bigger and bigger. It wasn’t stopping. I was somehow still taking in air, my belly blowing up like a giant beach- ball. It wasn’t going to stop! It wasn’t going to stop! I was getting too big! My mind did a woop-de-do in my skull. The sun sank on its side, slipping down the angling blue sky like an egg yoke splattered against a wall. The waves. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I.
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