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However, this time it was my fault, I didn't think I hadtalked about that woman's cheap purse on purpose, I didn't think I hadplanned to be humiliated by my aunt even though I fully accepted that Ihad erotic fantasies about that. Somehow that effeminate statement justleft my mouth without me thinking about the consequences. That I wouldaccidentally say something so effeminate shouldn't have surprised mesince I had other stereotypical "girl" or "gay" interests such as a loveof Hollywood gossip.In the next phase of my life things turned really weird. Now I know thatmy aunt and my mother were frequently talking to each other on the phoneso I have no idea if my aunt ever tried to hint to my mother that I wasgay but it seemed like from out of nowhere my mother started implyingthat I was gay. I had gone back to college and I was working on mymaster's degree in English but I still lived at home with my mother. Onenight my mother saw an American Civil War book laying on my bed, it wasabout. I won't saya word. I promise. I won't call the police or anything. Just don't hurtme." Shut up," he says, but not cruelly. Quietly. Totally in control. Thereis something strangely comforting about his calm. As comforting as it isterrifying. Like the voice of fate. It's the voice that says you can giveup now, stop fighting, there is nothing you can do to change anything. Itis what it is. Let it go."I plan on taking what I want," he says. "I don't need your permission.Or your assurances. I'm sure you won't tell anyone. Let alone thepolice."What does he mean he's sure I won't tell anyone? I want to beg him not tohurt me again. I'm not ready to let it go, if letting it go means dyingtonight. But he's already told me not to say anything. I start askingmyself wild, desperate questions. Can I jump out of bed and get past him?If I could only make it to the front door, into the hallway, and startscreaming for help. Someone else in the building is sure to hear me.Then again...what would they.
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