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I wanted to get away from everything but you cannot just get away without going to something and I had no idea where I wanted to go. Home? No. My home was all about making an impression I no longer wanted to make. Bar? Double no. Out? Not really, but better than home. Out, then. The weather was terrific, which I thought was very inconsiderate. I had preferred fog or a gloomy drizzle, but the sun shone with the demented jolliness of a mall Santa on crack showing up for work in the middle of summer. For about five seconds that image made me feel slightly better, that and the thought that I was not wearing a cap and a polyester beard in the heat. A tailored suit and hand-made shoes (made from the skin of whichever dead animal currently was the most prestigious, anteater maybe) were perhaps not all that much better for a depressed walkabout, though. It was certainly not good for blending in, that much was certain. Just about everyone I met had an opinion of me, or so it felt, and I. The problem was, this wasn’t some intellectual exercise. I wasn’t sure if it was a defense mechanism or not, but I had become numb as far as Tami was concerned. What I’d said last night was true: I was no longer in love with her, regardless of whether it was a misunderstanding or not.We always have a choice on how we handle things. That was one of the things I had learned during my summer on the farm. I could wallow in my self-doubt, and howl at the moon about what Alan and Tami had done, or I could choose to put it behind me. While they had been my best friends since, well, since I could remember, they had shown that things had changed. They’d both known how I would react. The capper was to do it in my bed, so to speak. I understood the heat of the moment and alcohol being involved, but it was still no excuse. Every fiber of my being told me to stop this line of thinking, or I would beat the cowboy shit out of Alan the next time I saw him. I would have to warn Tami, because I didn’t.
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