I have few regrets,in fact. Most of the reason is that my life turned out far better than Iever expected in my early years. I never expected to be a professor. Inever thought of myself as the kind of man who got a PhD. I never expectedto be a published author, or a landowner. If it should prove that my death is traceable to my twenty or soyears of smoking--which, according to my oncologist, it isn't--I don'tregret that either, & I certainly don't want my heirs to join a lot ofirresponsibles in suing the tobacco companies. That's sheer greed--&evasion of responsibility. Damn that. I smoked with my eyes open, fullyaware of the dangers, & I accept full responsibility for the consequencesto myself. I want no meddler attaching my name to a class-action suit. Most of my regrets are for things I couldn't help. Birth defects,mostly. I regret that I was not born smarter. I especially regret thatI was not made more people-smart. I regret not having a stronger, moreathletic,. My hand stops reaching and strokes instead. The heavily laden metal container is racing me. The finish line is the murky lake bottom, about fifty feet away. I do not wish to go there. Pulling even with the box, I reach, but the reaching slows me and the box eludes my grasp again. Next try, I stroke strongly until I pass the container and snatch it as it passes. Until this moment, my urgent need for oxygen has gone unnoticed, but now becomes immediately urgent. I will be damned if I will release my hold on the heavy box. There is nothing but to stroke for the surface. Somehow, despite the lack of oxygen to my brain, my limbs continue to function properly, push, paddle, kick, push paddle, kick, push,paddle,kick. I experience an eerie, frosty, looking-glass effect, a surreal, ice- water, out-of-body sensation. A sense very like a sound echoes up from the deep bearing a message of truth: that I have just died for a motley assortment of hooks, lines, and sinkers. Just before I open my.
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