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That is the word I used, but what I really wanted was his love.But how could I say that?Diary Entry 8I had to tell him that his work was not up to standard. He could seethat I did not want to. But as I said to him, my standards must be high.Otherwise I would not be the chef everyone expected me to be, includinghim.The worst thing is that I could see that he knew that he was only keepinghis job because of my feeling about him. I could see him thinking aboutwhat he could do if he thought that I could not bring myself to dismisshim. The fact is that I would have dismissed him. Not that he is a badcook, he just not the standard that I require.I have to tell myself that he can get better. So, I told him that thiswas what I wanted. I wanted him that I wanted him to be closer to me,but that he could not expect me to compromise on my expectations in thekitchen. If he was serious about being a top quality chef he needed torespect my expertise, and learn.He agreed to respect me for my. I hadn’t thought things through. The problem isn’t only seeing that we don’t start a baby until we are ready for it in all ways. An equal problem is that you don’t have to worry about being pregnant. Unless I tell you, you still have the worry. Well, you don’t have that worry now.”“Thanks. It’s not your fault. At least you thought about it. I was a little out of it.”“Well, I tried for you to be.”Eric saw a new sort of responsibility. Sure, when you were making love to a woman, you wanted her to be crazed with lust, senseless with recent climaxes, or -- preferably -- both when you entered her. That meant, however, that you had to take responsibility for all the thinking. When you were both thinking, then each one had the responsibility of trying to think of the other. When, deliberately, you had made yourself the only one who thought, you had the responsibility of thinking correctly. And, really, Trojans were all very well, but they weren’t 100% reliable.Well, they were the only means.
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