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The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was afraid of what others really thought of me. I remembereddressing up for our date in one of my favorite outfits of the wholeexperience. She said I didn't have to, but in that moment I wanted to, alot. I remembered my pure emotional breakdown that came in the lockerroom, but also the way she pulled the first tube of lipstick across mylips and I couldn't get enough of that feeling, or her. Erin was like anaddiction. It didn't matter whether I had wanted to stop or not, becauseI couldn't. But when I had. I was scared, but I wanted more. But then he got in my head and I fucked it all up.’ ‘He? You mean…’ ‘Nicholas. He messed me up good, Donna. And the only reason I’m trying so hard with this guy is just to prove that Nicholas can’t get the best of me in the end.’ They sat silent for a moment, then Hannah added, ‘Like he did with Penny.’ ‘And like you think he’s doing to me?’ Hannah smiled gently, condescendingly, though Donna failed to notice it as anything other than kind. ‘He’s got you in a different way. I bet you still haven’t even made a move on what’s-his-name.’ ‘Steve… And I did. We’ve been on a few dates.’ Hannah’s eyebrows went up in surprise. ‘And I kissed him.’ ‘Oooh, you kissed him,’ Hannah teased. ‘How scandalous!’ ‘Shut up,’ Donna said with evident annoyance in her voice. ‘Still don’t think he’s hot for you?’ Hannah asked. ‘I think he thinks he is, but he’s new in town, and I’m the only person he knows so far…’ Donna shrugged. ‘I just expect he’s going to move on to.
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