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I'm not gay, I tried to be, but I can't be. I don't find men attractive. Perhaps its a self loathing, that I hate being a man. It would be fun to have sex with a guy as a woman, but I cannot imagine kissing a guy, or going on a date with one. Men are not for me. My biggest fantasies involve me being submissive. To be tied up, stripped naked, spanked, whipped, fucked with a strapon. Like the lesbian bondage videos I watched as a teen. I didn't even masturbate to them back then, I just marvelled at them, wishing I was the girl who was tied up in the video, being dominated by the lesbian dominatrix. Outdoor bondage is my favourite, to be taken into the woods, naked, punished. More on fantasies in another post.I go down to the woods when it's dark, with a sexy dress, lingerie and heels, put them on and walk around, feel like my true self. It's killer having to take them off and revert back to 'male' being.In the office, I see the women wearing fantastic outfits. Dresses, skirts, tights,. One of the main reasons I'd shied away from getting personal with Anita was that I'd realized I was now past the age where I could go out and continue to play around.I was a responsible adult now, and I expected my relationships to be ones that could easily lead to something that would be permanent. In my thoughts, I had been considering Anita to be wife material. Having a casual sexual encounter, no matter how enjoyable that might be, wasn't what I was seeking.Anita had made it very clear, some months before, that she was ready to consider having a sexual relationship with me. From the things she'd said, she had some doubts about whether or not I could satisfy her needs in that arena. I had taken it, from what she said, that she didn't want to get too emotionally invested in someone until and unless they could put those fears of hers to rest.Rob and I had both been lucky. From the time I was fourteen years old, and he was almost sixteen, we'd had the Trillum sisters as our close.
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