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I log on to the internet. It is in this forum that I think I have found you, again. You are my hope and my memory. I spend much of my time wondering if I’ll catch a glimpse of you again. I look out the window of my bedroom, away from the computer screen. I see the fence line and trees overhead. They might as well not exist. I remember so vividly each of the last eleven years. I run the months through my mind, and I wonder how I could have changed things to accommodate what I now know is true. I pour myself over the emotions and the feelings that you inspire in me. I no longer doubt the veracity of anything I ever felt, nor anything that comes to my mind in the present. When I am alone on days like today, I feel the misery of choices I made so long ago. And I want to tell you all about it. I have issued my full apology so many times. The guilt still burns in me. There is just enough fuel in my mind to keep it going. But I don’t want to spend my life in misery over choices I have made.. The whole time I was dreaming about sucking his cock. When we were leaving the restaurant, I found the nerve to asked, “Will you let me suck your cock?”Roy looked up at the sky and said, "Nooo…I don't think so.” Then a long pause and, “Maybe if I was real drunk." “So,” said I. “I’ll have to get you drunk?”“No,” Roy said, “I’m really not interested.”Bummer for me, right? Well we saw each other often over the next three years and of course, I had the urge to ask him again but I never brought it up.Then last year Roy was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt one day and I could see his nipple and it was pierced. I said, “So your nipples are pierced?”‘Yea,” he said as he lifted his shirt, pulled on one of the rings. “Go ahead,” he laughed, “it doesn’t hurt.”So I pulled and played with his nipple rings. And Roy didn’t stop me for a good fifteen minutes. But that was all that happened that day. I was still scared of pushing my desire. I was reeling inside with wanting to give him a blow job but I.
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