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It was all a very eye opening experience. I couldn'tbelieve how bold guys could be when they are trying to pick up a girl.At one point, when it was just me and Katie, I asked her if I was thatbad. Katie laughed at my question. "Alexa, Alex would never have hadthe guts to talk to someone as good looking as you." I felt like I hadbeen by a 2 x 4. I know I had always been somewhat shy around women, butI didn't know I had been so obvious, I had tried to act all macho to geta girl in the past, but it just wasn't me. To have my friend say it outloud really was a shock.But another thing hit me at that point. I realized as Alexa I wasn't thewilting flower I had been as Alex. While I had refused to dance with anyboy, it had not stopped me from talking to them. I was joking with them,teasing some of them but generally just being part of a larger group thathad seemed to ebb and flow as we sat at the table at Brady's Pub. Idon't think I had ever had as much fun as I was having now in. I also concluded that because my survival depended on the taking of blood, this very act was also responsible for shaping my attitudes towards those that sustained my existence. Something in me was repelled by the idea of taking of blood for its own sake. It was centred on the old homily about 'eating to live and living to eat'. The idea of becoming a creature that drank blood to assuage its lust for blood was abhorrent. I realised that I needed to safeguard myself from becoming a thing that was driven by a ravenous lust for blood.After much self-examination I realised that compassion was the safeguard that prevented an intelligent, reasoning life form from becoming a mere leech. If I could feel compassion for those deserving of it I would not fall into the trap of regarding breathers as so much cattle. Perhaps the death of all emotion is true death. Perhaps those that followed the Dark Path had expelled all emotion from their cold hearts. In them, the expulsion of emotion was.
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