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I got the feeling that she was most serious, not at all joking. That night alone in my bed with fresh batteries in my vibrator, I couldn’t get the vision of the UPS woman out of my head. I had sometimes wondered what sex with a woman would be like. Wondered, but never attempted to explore. The closest I ever came to girl on girl sex was when I was fourteen. That summer Janis, my cousin, came to stay with us while her parents took a Caribbean cruise. Janis slept in my room in my older sister’s bed. Sis was doing an internship for college somewhere in Arizona that summer. While Janis was just one year older than me, she was more worldly, if you know what I mean. She claimed to have fucked two guys before turning fourteen. The same age as I at the time. We would sit up at night talking. When Janis asked me if I had a boyfriend, I had to admit that I had none. Then she asked if I had ever kissed a boy before. Again I had to say no. “Wanna learn?” She asked. Without waiting for an. Where did she get the nerve to try what she was doing? This was something clearly out of her territory. Of course she knew where her strength was coming from. Her strength was sitting back in the car. All summer, through all the horror, all the fear, the humiliation there had been one constant, one defender, one protector, and one compass, Martin. He’d been right all along. He’d been there all along, and he was there right now. She still wasn’t sure how she felt about Martin. That wasn’t right. She wasn’t sure how she wanted to feel about Martin. He’d been her rock, her great support. She loved him for it, but did she actually love him? If she loved him, really loved him, it would require more than what’s happened so far. Certainly he was everything she’d have wanted in a man once, but that was before Turner and all the lies. Martin had been a part of that, a big part of that. Sure she felt gratitude, but she felt anger too. Anger at herself for being so starry eyed, certainly anger.
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