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Was I possibly a lesbian; that didn'tregister except when I'd walk by the mirror. I slipped off my heels andwent to pour some wine. On the sofa with my iPad I started consideringthe question. I had done so much in such a short time. Was this rush tochange sensible? Was I just releasing an un-tapped reservoir of desire?Why did I enjoy the changes so very much? The new garments and the effecton my sense of self; this voice was the tip of the pyramid. I wanted toexplore my world, but as Sara. She could be more than a new start, maybeI could see a future where I would have breasts and, I stopped thethought.The falsies were more than a little problem. I would have to address theworld knowing I wasn't real. The silicone forms reminded me at almostevery step. They didn't feel right. But the surgery to create a vaginaseemed well outside my boundary, at least right now. I considered thealternatives of implants or possibly using hormones. Doing the researchdid uncover an temporary alternative:. Ever since we’d met nearly a year ago in Malawi, I’d believed that she liked me for who I was. That she liked my jokes and the conversations we had. I’d fallen for this girl, and I didn’t want to think this was all a game.But in just a couple of sentences Francis was causing me to question all of these assumptions. At that moment I hated him for putting that doubt in my mind. Because my gut told me that, once planted, it would be a seed that would grow and would be very difficult to dislodge.Francis could see the anger and pain building in my face. He smiled to himself, a smile of resignation, and then gave me one final parting thought.“It’s too early at the moment, but if in six weeks or so, if you want to, I can arrange a buddy of mine to carry out a paternity test. Perfectly safe, totally non-invasive. Won’t do any harm to baby or mother. But at least, if you want to, you’ll definitively know one way or the other if the child is yours. Your call, man. When the time’s right, let me.
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