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”We sat there for a moment looking at each other and not saying anything at all, just smiling. “Surigama Sensei... can I ask you something?” he said carefully. “It's about your husband.” he said timidly. “I heard he... he passed away. Is it okay if I offer you my condolences? I just... I'm sorry. That is horrible.” he looked genuinely upset for me. I sat back and turned my head away. I heard him take a deep breath. What do I say to this? Even accepting condolences from him, for something that made me so happy, made me feel deceitful. I had played the dutiful widow. Acting anymore for Hiro's benefit was something I decided I would not do, not with Alan. Turning back to face him I said “Alan... thank you. I... I want to be honest with you. I am sorry but I want to say something I have not said to anyone but my parents and... well it may not be very nice for you to hear, but I can't do this... charade anymore.”Alan looked concerned but said “Please... you can say anything to me.”I nodded. Perhaps it was my long held belief that sex was a beautiful thing best experienced between equals or maybe long suppressed inhibitions, but my heart wasn't always into it. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed tying this perfect female specimen to the bedposts with her own stockings and watch those perfect 23 year old nipples point to the sky as her back arched in passion and I loved the way she got so excited as I held her arms tight over her head during lovemaking, as any man would. The problem was, this just wasn't enough for her. She wanted to do it all and she talked of wanting me to publicly humiliate her and the like. In my mind, the day I walked around a girl six years older than my daughter on a leash through the mall would be the day my friends would have me committed. So, it seemed any possibility of public humiliation games would be unlikely. The other source of friction was my daughter herself, or rather the time I spent with my daughter. As far as I was concerned my daughter.
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