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“Mr. Woodpecker, you are familiar with wood are you not.”“Why yes. You could say I’m somewhat of an expert. I’ve perched upon gnarly oaks, shaded under weeping willows, and even sampled the sap of the sweet maples. What can I do for you gentlemen?”“Would you care to settle and argument for us? Could you tell us whether this sapling is the Son of a Birch, or the Son of a Beech?”“I would be happy to!” Said the woodpecker and off he flew.The princes were secure with this turn of events and even ceased arguing for a while until they heard the sound of tapping.Tap, tap, tap. Went the woodpecker. Tap, tap, tappity, tap tap. On it went for quite some time.Finally the woodpecker returned with a smug, satisfied smile.“Well” asked the princes, “Is the young sapling a Son of a Birch or a Son of a Beech?”“Gentlemen, the sapling is neither the Son of a Birch nor a Son of a Beech.” the woodpecker replied. “For the sapling is a female tree ... and the finest young Ash I’ve ever had the privilege to. It was nice and relaxing, but nothing outside the basic positions, in their bed in their bedroom, and nothing else was necessary in her mind. So Patrick found himself surfing for porn while Alice slept. It was life, and he was growing to accept it.One day they were at a local clothing retailer. It was a large sprawling warehouse style touting all the latest fashions at the lowest prices. Patrick was bored out of his wits. They had been there for more than an hour and Alice insisted on going through every rack, item by item. He had checked out the men's section, the ties, the shoes, even the baby clothes and the poor excuse for a toy section, multiple times--each time returning to Alice to discover she was on to another rack. Times like these were dangerous for Patrick as he tended to let his imagination wander. He was standing with his arms crossed staring across the tops of the racks when he thought he saw someone out of the corner of his eye. He slowly turned his gaze to his right.
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