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* I understand that I should present myself for up to two (2) performancesper working week, the timings of which shall be at the discretion of my superiors. * I understand that I am to continue to carry out my normal duties and responsibilitiesto the best of my ability. * I understand that in view of the additional responsibilities outlined above,I can expect a salary increase of no less than £20,000 and promotionto the role of Senior PA. * I declare that I am a trusted employee of Bowyer and Lake Technology Enterprisesand my confidence can be relied upon in all matters relating to this agreement.I understand that any attempt to breech this trust shall result in immediatedismissal from the company and legal proceedings may be initiated against me. * I declare that in signing this agreement I do so of my own free will, andthat now and on no previous occasion have I been subject to threat or obligation,and nor have I at any time been forced to act against my wishes. * * * * * * * * * *. Went out last night and got really wasted.I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.The wife's back on the warpath again.She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport."Nationality?" asks the immigration officer."German," she replies."Occupation?"No, just here for a few days."As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I.
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