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She just clicked the link, put in the credit card info and that was that. Gift giving done.I was just suddenly overwhelmed with sadness. We were done. All that I had found out came to a head and the realization that she had already internally moved on was there. Love me? Bullshit. She might love me in some way, but the love of her life? He was in some apartment down town. She loved me like ... like I loved Paul. OH FUCK.That realization – that I was Paul in this marriage – that just totally pushed me over the edge. I just dissolved into tears. I'm not afraid to admit it. I wept for our marriage, for the fact that it was over. I wept for allowing it to happen, and not even seeing it as it happened. I wept for our children, because divorce was never easy on children – they'd spend years wondering if it was their fault. And I wept for myself. For being betrayed by someone I trusted with my life.Deanna was speechless – she could see some dam had broken, but was clueless about what was. .This cannot be the will of God after all? I refuse to believe this, eventhough my mother, David, the community and Pastor John give me thatmessage. Should this be his will, I would be born as a girl instead ofgrowing up first as a boy until I was seventeen years old?I know that my transformation fits into the plan of Pastor John topunish me for the sake of my critical attitude toward him and his Churchduring the past months. To change me in a girl, within this conservativecommunity, it will be easier for him to force me to start to behave asan obedient citizen and a submissive wife, and eventually as a truebeliever of his Church.I' m sure that I' m not the first boy to change sex without his will inthis town. I should have taken seriously the warnings I received fromfellow pupils at school not to oppose Pastor John.Bill, my only so called friend here in this town, asked me two weeks agonot to openly express my critical view on Pastor John and his Church atour school. He added that.
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