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"Wait," April said. "If anyone is at fault, it's me. I positioned Jason and gave him instructions to get the Partridges from different angles as we were filming. I knew the production booth was within range of the camera. It's not his fault. He was doing his job." Maggie seethed at April. I suddenly realized that she knew she could lord it over a cameraman, but she couldn't touch the director."Let's go see the footage," Rhonda said simply. She walked out the door. We all scrambled to follow her to the production platform. Sora's exercise show had just ended and Rhonda asked everyone else to leave the platform except the four of us and Joyce, who had become the master board operator. Joyce cued up the scene.It showed me as Addison made a joke at my expense. I looked up at Jordan and Grace and said, "Papa Jordan, do I have to put up with this?" It was a perfect cut to Jordan and Grace as he shrugged and said, "I put up with it all the time." You could see the production platform in the. ‘Bullshit. Bullshitbullshitbullshit,’ I cried out. ‘Why is this fucking happening to me? How is this fair? What? What am I supposed to do?’ I was crying openly, just talking nonsense as it streamed through my head. ‘Hey. Shh,’ my mom was trying to soothe me, trying to comfort me and calm me down. I felt bad, felt bad for her, bad for putting her through this. ‘It’ll be all right.’ ‘I can’t deal with this. It’s too much. Too fucking much. I can–‘ My words and my breath heaved in my chest, everything was made thick with sobs. ‘We’ll get through this. All right? We’ll get through this together.’ But would we? Would I? I wanted to say I had no doubt, but I didn’t feel that. A nurse came in and gave me a shot of something or other for the pain but the pain did not go away. It was in my head, tearing at me. I was dying. That’s what cancer is: death. In my back and in my liver I was rotting with death. Whatever they’d say, the doctors, it didn’t matter. It was already in me. I wanted to.
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