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There were maybe six or seven people at tables or at the bar. I walked to the bar to ask for change and if there was a payphone. Even over the music I heard my heels clicking on the tile floor. I expected everyone to stare as I strode across the floor. The bartender did not say a word as I meekly asked for change. Then he pointed at a backroom for the phone. I was never so glad to see a phone. I dialed quickly. The phone seemed to ring forever. I was about ready to begin shouting when I heard the phone picked up. Only it was not my wife exactly. She changed the message on our answering machine. I heard "Beep........ Hi dear. I am not home. Have fun walking. We will talk about it when I get home. Click......" I stood there staring at the phone in my hand. Now what am I going to so? I knew I didn't have enough money for a taxi. There were many taxis on the street. I wondered if they would drive me home and allow me to pay them when I got home? I hung up the phone. When I turned I. The five stages: denial, anger, something, depression, something else. They talked as though grief was linear, a series of finite stages passed through at a steady pace like stops on a train. No one likes unpredictability. No one wants to see wild, undisguised grief; they prefer it to be tamed and neutered. We're sorry for your loss, now please don't do anything strange. But she appeared to be different. Maybe. It was hard to tell. Three years now, and they had made some sort of eye contact every school day, in the year before his wife died, in the two years since. Similar to the eye contact he made with the other parents, similar but not the same. Something deeper hid behind her eyes, something that aroused him. Even in that final year when his wife was dying, and there was no way for anyone except close friends and family to know, she seemed to know something. Her gaze spoke a language that mirrored his own. School was out in a week. The days were long and languid, nights filled.
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