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It would've been really embarrassing to be seen shuddering from the orgasm out there on the living room sofa. I made a quick retreat to my own room. Still tingly all over. I wanted to touch myself so bad. Keep myself in that bliss as much as I could. But those were my parents. It was gross to imagine them in my head while I got myself off. Or at least I thought so at the time. So I imagined another boy who was in my class back then, Jimmy Dahlin. Jimmy was the kind who just seemed to be begging for a thrashing too, now that I think about it. Shame I could never give him what he so justly deserved. I imagined him being in my dad's place. And some other nameless figure of a woman in my mum's place. I didn't know at the time if I wanted to do the slapping myself. I just knew I wanted to think of some woman soundly slapping a boy, over and over and over, and I wanted to get myself off thinking about that. And I did. Again, and again. A few times, the image of my dad slipped in to take. ****I woke up, right with the dawn, alone in the hotel room. On the plush-covered armchair by the window, three shopping bags, heavy brown paper,twine handles. Tiny letters of his store's name in a corner --sometimes you shout best with a whisper. Bemused -- he'd seemedbemused, or maybe simply knowing but not wanting to let on how much heknew -- he'd let me explore the store, showed me how and where to go.What I had tried and what he approved, for his taste was better, was inthe bags.The dress I'd tried. Another, meant for an evening date: black, meantto hug curves I didn't have, meant to flutter a hem, to tickle, halfwayup my thigh. A fantasy of lace and silk for underneath. I tried themall, lied to myself about my wanting, lied to myself that I lookedright in his mirrors, in the careful light, the rosy glow.We barely spoke a word; we touched only by accident, a gesture just aninch or two too broad, a stumble in a pair of heels. Silent, he'dfolded dresses, lingerie into his brown.
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