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Her wounded hands will scorch my breast, And naked I shall burn.She was no poet, and she had not written verse since her novitiate, but the lines had kept her up half the night, sick with guilt and desire. The girl had left her knickers on her desk — in playfulness or contempt, she could not say. If she had not gone back to check the windows and the lights, they would have stayed there for a full week, to be discovered when classes resumed after the holiday. She had taken them to bed with her, and as she lay awake, refining the poem in her mind, she had held them lightly to her nose.Kristen had not arrived as she promised, and she held up the Mass for fifteen minutes, waiting. Seven of her girls, from her various classes, sat in the pews in front of her, a respectable number for a holiday, but without Kristen, they meant nothing. They were apostles in hiding, ciphers without the spirit. Beautiful Kristen. If she had come to Mass, it would mean she had forgiven Sister Patrice for. There are no goals met. There is no ladder climbed or glass ceiling broken. It’s just another dirty dish in the sink. It’s another sock in the drawer. Every compliment I am given on being a wife and mother is received with a blush, downcast eyes, and a sweet thank you. Afterward I always say something along the lines of, ‘I couldn’t do anything without his help.’ or ‘It’s worth it because he is so good to me.’ No one would ever hear a negative word about him from my lips. Inside, I am bitter. Every ‘thank you’ I receive hits me in the chest like a sledgehammer. Every time someone tells me I am brave or strong I want to vomit on my shoes. I hate being a good woman. I hate being a good wife. I hate that it’s all I can do, that it’s all I know, that it’s all I can ever be. Every day is another regret. Every night is another fantasy of escape. Each time I leave my house, even if it’s just a visit to the grocery store or coffee shop, I cry at the thought of returning home. Panic takes.
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