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Wringing her hands, Beth said, "I thought I had no reason not to go along with Kimberly’s idea, because you had already given permission – at least, that’s what I thought.”“Why would you ever think that, Beth? Why would you want to do what she asked?”“I … I don’t know. She’s my friend and I wanted to make her happy.”“You mean you wanted to make you happy!”She looked ashamed at that point, and very uncertain.“Go on,” I told her.“I … I came here to change from my work dress and put on the jeans you saw. Kim and Gayle mocked me about the way I dressed to go to the party. 'We’re not going to a cookout,' Kim said. She was wearing a one-piece sleeveless dress, five inches above her knees. She looked hot, so she took me into her wardrobe in her bedroom. She asked me which dress I liked. Every one of them was as short or even much shorter, than what she wore. “I said I always wore bigger, longer ones, but she insisted on me trying them on. I wore one and she said I looked hot and beautiful. I. The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was afraid of what others really thought of me. I remembereddressing up for our date in one of my favorite outfits of the wholeexperience. She said I didn't have to, but in that moment I wanted to, alot. I remembered my pure emotional breakdown that came in the lockerroom, but also the way she pulled the first tube of lipstick across mylips and I couldn't get enough of that feeling, or her. Erin was like anaddiction. It didn't matter whether I had wanted to stop or not, becauseI couldn't. But when I had.
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