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It draws the strangest of connections sometimes. Remembering and contrasting things it has no right to recall. How come I couldn’t remember what I’d had for breakfast that very day, yet I could as clear as day remember Francis had shown no such concerns back in 2015 when he and Sue had rutted the weekend away. Then they’d just fucked and fucked while I’d watched – sometimes in the open, sometimes sneaking a peak from the sidelines.But two years on, despite everything Sue and he had already done this last month, he sensed the difference in my mood and the different dynamic in the whole set-up.As we locked eyes, I honestly didn’t know whether to feel patronized by his question or thank him for his empathy and thoughtfulness. In the end, with my emotions a confused mess, I just grunted some half-assed response.“I’m okay, man. Go ahead. Do what Sue wants?”I could have added all kinds of words to this, depending on which part of my brain was speaking. ‘Go ahead, I need my fix,’ or ‘Go. Keep this fact in mind for the rest of my story.Moving on to when I was 7. I started spending less time at my grandparents and more time at home, my mom and brother was home most of the time and I shared the room with him. I was in the presence of someone almost 24/7 which resulted in a sort of disorder: I wanted to be alone, I desired solitude and a space for myself. I could only find solace when my mom brought my brother out for tuition. Those short periods of time was my new treasure, even today when I find myself at home alone my heart beats faster and I truly felt bliss. These were the moments where I could break out my trusty dog and started squeezing away.At 7 years old I started wearing briefs. I went commando all the way (don't ask, my parents only taught me about underwear when I started primary school at 7). Maybe is was my ignorance to underwear but I felt really naughty and embarrassed when I was just in my underpants. I could not look into the mirror else I get excited..
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